Friday, February 8, 2013

The Twins Turning TWO! Are we done having kids?!

This might be the year I really DO cry on my girls' birthday :'( They are turning TWO! And there are a few good reasons I will be crying...

When David and I met we had discussed kids pretty quickly. We always knew we'd want a good sized family as we both adore children. He said he'd want just two kids and I said I wanted four. So we compromised and settled on three. (To which I had expected three pregnancies to enjoy for those three kids).
After Sawyer's (planned...for those who question us all the time! Not that it's any of your business, but I'll clear that up real quick since it happened right as soon as we got married) pregnancy and the rough start to it (I had hyperemesis; which is the extreme version of 'morning sickness' and it caused multiple hospitalizations; and also had SI joint instability, making it very hard to walk), we had questioned having those three kids. Pregnancy had its rough start, but once we got over that initial sickness, it got much better! And then came that sweet prize at the end, our precious baby boy!!! However, his delivery was quite the scary situation and led me to have an urgent c-section (which you'll see later on that it changes some things for us).
Right as I'm holding SB for the first time, I look at David and say "I really want another one like RIGHT now! I could totally hold two babies!". He said I was nuts, as did the nurses. And they blamed it on my hormonal dump.
When Sawyer was 9 months old we decided to try for another baby. I got pregnant right away, but that pregnancy sadly ended in miscarriage about a week after we got that positive test. We were sad but remained positive and we would try again as soon as the doctor gave us the go. We didn't think it would take us three months to get the go-ahead, but it did (Sawyer was just turning 1).  And within two weeks of getting that go-ahead we once again quickly got pregnant. Odd thing was that I got a positive VERY early...and a very dark positive!
I called my doctor right away and she ordered a blood test to confirm.
That same night that I got the positive tests and had the first blood test, I had this really intense realistic crazy dream. I was having an ultrasound and on the screen were two baby girls who said their names were Annabelle and Charlotte. They were identical twin girls. (You get goosebumps yet?! LOL).
So I had the idea in my head that I was having those twin girls.
They did two tests 48hrs apart (with a healthy pregnancy the numbers should double in those 48hrs). My numbers more than tripled. I asked if that meant twins, and they said not necessarily. But they ordered an ultrasound for 5w3d along. That ultrasound showed one gestational sac and a faint yolk sac. Nothing else. So my doctor told me to come back in two weeks to look for a heartbeat. Then at 7w3d we went back to look for a heartbeat. NEVER did we think we'd see this:

And both tadpoles had strong heartbeats!!!! I was in shock and David was jumping up and down while holding SB.
That crazy intense realistic dream JUST about made me faint and I know I got major goosebumps and chills. But there was a problem. Both tadpoles resided in the same sac. I was taken to a room and the doctor explained that there was reason to be concerned and she showed me pictures of what she thought may be going on (Mo-Mo twins was their worry). She was referring me to a high-risk doctor who had a better ultrasound machine to hopefully detect a division in the sac. But I had to wait two weeks until that appointment and during that time we had already booked a vacation with some awesome friends down in Gatlinburg. I knew I was going to be too stressed to have a good time, plus I had morning sickness. BUT I still had a decent time. I was just cranky, moody, sick, and bloated. LoL. Sorry to the Suddarth family for being such a pain on the trip!!!

At that high-risk appointment we were beyond nervous. I turned to God and prayed an incredible amount and told Him that I put all my faith in Him that all would go well...I took some deep breaths and stayed positive. The doctor seemed nervous but within a few minutes of looking, she found that super teeny tiny division we were hoping for!
Picture from 9 weeks along....can barely see the cell membrane division, but it's there!!
 Here's at 10w2d...the cell membrane is easier to see :)

What a relief!! I remember letting out a HUGE breath and sigh of relief. I also started crying. But I knew all was going to be just fine. The doctor said it was still a high risk pregnancy as the twins shared a placenta, but I had zero worries about that. I just had a very internal peace that I know was a God thing. They monitored me weekly for twin-to-twin transfusion (one baby stealing the other baby's nutrition which can be fatal) but never had any issues.
Here's where Sawyer's birth plays a role in the twins' birth. I got big. I got REALLY big. And since this was not my first pregnancy, I got big FAST.
Here's a timeline example from just 12 weeks to 24 weeks...

And because I had a rough c-section 12 months before I got pregnant with these twins, there was a very serious risk, though it was a tiny small percentage risk, is was still a serious risk. It was uterine rupture. Had I just been carrying a singleton I would've been fine. But I was growing rapidly and measured 6-10 weeks ahead the entire pregnancy. Also a complication was pre-term labor; which for me, started at 28 weeks. I was put on strict bed rest and was hospitalized numerous times thinking I would deliver because my contractions were THAT intense and regular. (Picture below is one of the many hospital stays...I was huge and yea, go ahead and make fun of me ;-) )

However, I made it to 34 weeks (6 weeks in labor, yeehaw).  At that point I measured 45cm....which is 45 weeks pregnant.

Yea I was a giant. A beached whale. A miserable cranky over-this pregnant lady who wanted these humans who battered me from the inside OUT of my dang body. I even joked frequently that my husband needed to press battery and domestic charges on these babies as soon as they came out. LoL.
On February 8th I was discharged from the hospital (for the umpteenth time) and told I made it to my goal of 34 weeks with two rounds of steroid shots for their lungs. I was safe to deliver any time and to just take it easy (no more strict bed rest). So on the 9th we went to the museum where I parked my behind on benches the whole time. Barely walking. But I needed to get out of the house. (And the museum was just blocks away from my hospital). I had been 3.5-4cm dilated for weeks now and my doctors were just waiting for my water to break at this point. 
That evening I began feeling a very strange bruised feeling on my old c-section scar. It was weird. I told David and he convinced me to get to the hospital (again) to get checked out. I was (and still am) stubborn and decided to drive myself because I just KNEW I'd be sent back home once again. So I drove the 3 minutes from our house to the nearest hospital. Waddled in there with a look of misery on my face. Expecting to go to Triage room A as usual. But this time they put me in a real room. That was odd. Then in comes my nurse Amanda. She said my OB would be in shorty and I was likely going to be kept. Ummmmm, what?!
In comes my doctor with a look of concern on her face. She asks me to very detailed describe what I was feeling. So I did. I told her that when twin A's head moved that it felt very bruised on my bad that it hurt me to move (I couldn't even lift my leg). After 30minuted of us talking, she decided I HAD to be delivered ASAP because my uterus was likely going to rupture any minute (this was at exactly 9pm). This hospital was only equipped for 34 weekers and greater, and I literally had just turned 34 weeks. They were nervous and alerted everyone on staff there plus extra pediatrician's and I heard them call a helicopter. I asked to be transferred to my high-risk hospital downtown Indy but I was told they couldn't because I could rupture on the way there (rupture meaning I would literally burst at the seams of my old scar).
I started crying. Freaked out. Had to call my husband and told him he had to RUSH over or else he'd miss the birth. I also called my Mom and my close friend Aaron. Those were the only calls I made and I just cried until I was taken to the OR. David got there right as they were taking me back. (It took him a little bit because he had to call our babysitter).
I was taken back, given the awesome spinal (I seriously loved it....pain no more!) and got prepped for surgery. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember feeling the tension in the room so I began to make light of the situation and cracking jokes. Just trying to lighten the mood a little!! Haha!
At 10:04pm I hear the first LOUD cry and also at 10:04pm heard the second LOUD cry. All was well =)

 Each girl had their own doctor and they quickly got checked over. They brought each girl over for me to quickly see (and David got to hold one) and then they wheeled them off to NICU. It wasn't until  the next afternoon that I got to see them again. That was rough. But I had two beautiful healthy little girls (who weren't really that little for twin 34 weekers...each was 5lbs4oz!!). After a one week stay for all of us, we got to go home!!

Six weeks later at my follow-up appointment I asked my doctor if another baby was out of the question for me or not. She said I'd need to wait years for my uterus to heal and even then, uterine rupture would be a real risk again. I took that news hard but prayed about it. David and I really did consider a 4th baby (or knowing our luck,  a 4th and 5th!) but with weighing the risks we decided we can't do that again. The risk wasn't worth it. So we are officially DONE. That's a hard sentence to write. It's hard to say and even harder to swallow. (Or maybe that means we really AREN'T done?!?!.....Hmmmmm...)
I wonder if every woman has a hard time being done having babies? We were put on this planet to be mothers and knowing we won't be having anymore just feels strange. It took me a good solid year before I began to accept it. I REALLY wanted three pregnancies to enjoy and really had my mind set to that. But we got our three kids in two pregnancies (the miscarriage was so short lived that I don't count it). I just need to accept our blessings :)

So, all of that to say I will cry as my LAST babies turn 2 tomorrow. They are officially toddlers and NOT babies. It's hard for me. Yes I am very happy and blessed I have my three awesome kids, but never to have another little bitty baby to rock, nurse, or cuddle with is just a hard reality!
So I'm going to enjoy this last day of them being 1 year olds and embrace them turning 2 tomorrow and officially becoming crazy toddlers!!

Happy Birthday to my Twincesses!!!

No comments:

Post a Comment