Change, the real kind.

So this post will be a bit heavy of a topic. Maybe even a bit annoying to some. But it's one that I need to write about to let it out.

The topic is about change; and the specific changing of oneself for the betterment, and legacy of your name.

A close friend pointed out to me very recently that my family likes to poke fun at me (the much younger me, mostly) and does so often. She asked why they do it and I replied "because I'm an easy target", which is true. I also know that the teasing she was referring to was all done in fun and had no ill intention. So I'm game. Bring it. I poke fun at myself too!

But this also reminded me of how I used to be back years ago and how I have CHANGED since then. In fact, I've really changed a lot.

As a child I've been told numerous times that I was quite the Academy Award winning drama Queen. That I hated crowds. That I was mean to my brother. That I was a speed talker. That I was bossy. That I was strong willed. That I was mouthy. That I was spoiled. That it was all about ME.  And my Mom refers to me in a phrase that I was the child who thought I was god. And my first grade teacher wrote on my report card that I was "the mother" and "doesn't play well with others".

Any of that sound like things you'd like to be referred to for the rest of your life?              I didn't think so.

I don't want to be remembered that way for the rest of my life. And those of you that know me now may be shocked to read the above references to me because I’m not like that anymore (well, for the most part...I did retain some qualities as they are the personality that God gave me).

I won't describe how I am now in my own words, because that would be my own perception which usually isn’t entirely accurate. But I would like to think that how I feel about who I am now is how others view me.

I will, however, describe what I've been aiming for in this change.

I aim to live for God and to please HIM. To make Him proud of me and my actions. And to raise my kids to live for God and obey Him.

I aim to forgive and move forward. This is a tough one but one we all must strive for. Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you're okay with the issue, but that you've accepted that's its happened and we are all human and if God can forgive, then we can too. Following this I have been able to quickly move on from arguments, from hurt, and from anger.

I aim to think before I speak; another tough one for me because I grew up being brutally honest about everything. I am still honest but I now try to think about how others will receive what I have to say. I also realize that there's a time and place for everything, and maybe the time I feel I must say something is really a bad time. I then try very hard to keep my mouth shut until a later time...or maybe even forever. But, like all humans, I slip up sometimes and speak before I think and may cause hurt to people unintentionally. I NEVER intend to hurt someone's feelings (and if I say something that you think sounds hurtful, then please as for clarification because you most likely misunderstood or I didn’t have the right approach in saying what I said). I only believe in being honest because I do not believe in lying or sugar coating things. We live in a world of sugar coated everything and all that has done is made people delusional, spoiled, and self righteous. Snap back to reality with a dose of truth and if you don't like the truth then WORK to change it. **Only exception here is when what you have to say is something that cannot ever be changed and will only cause hurt. For instance would be how someone looks. I will never ever stand for bullying. And I think this is where some people forget to draw the line on being brutally honest. Let the truth be constructive in some way and have good intentions, or don't say it at all.

I aim to be helpful and raise my kids to be helpful. Everyone needs help sometimes. And I'd love to be the person people can turn to for that help. I may not have the resources available, but I'm willing to help you seek out those resources. There have been many times when my family has been in dire need of help and we are so blessed to have a great amount of people be there for us to step in when we need it. Thank you to those people!

I aim to be more relaxed. Something I wasn't really ever good at. I used to be called high-strung because I was always anxious. This is something I got help with while in college. I went to a psychologist for a year who taught me how to calm down and handle situations differently. I credit this man with changing me for the better and helping me become the person I had always wanted to be. I feel more at peace with myself than I had ever been prior to age 21. I truly feel like I handle things entirely differently and much more calmly.  I usually only have one to two moments a year that I don't feel I've handled to the best of my ability. But again, I'm human and am allowed those moments because I am NOT perfect, and never will be. Those are the moments I ask God for forgiveness and ask that people forgive me for them as well.


I aim to be fun. This hasn't really ever been hard for me, but there are times I feel like I'm being a bump-on-a-log and grumpy. I also feel like I get stuck in a rut and become no fun at all. So I strive to find fun in everything I do and find enjoyment in it all. I always look for the positives in EVERYTHING, which is why I'm able to poke fun at myself and situations. It's always best to look on the brighter side =) As a younger adult I would take the fun out of everything by only seeing the negatives. That's not the way to live life. I want to LIVE life to the fullest and to do that there isn't room for Negative Nancy. So I put on my Positive Polly pants every morning and have FUN!

I aim to be a good, caring, loving, compassionate Mother to my children and Wife to my husband. Far too often do I see examples of those that I do not want to be like. I try to remember those examples when I'm feeling down about a rough day at home and that helps me pick myself back up and get back on the path that I want. I am certainly far from perfect is this area, but I know my heart is in the right place and that I am trying to do what is right.

I aim to be conscious in life; to be aware of what's going on around me and not be naive about it all. I believe a lot of people choose to ignore this world and the problems it faces. I want to be aware of it and do my duty on Earth by trying to make it a better place. I want to teach my kids about evil but show them that positive far outweighs the evil.

I aim to make a positive impact on people's lives. There's a saying that goes around that really irritates me, and that's because it's a lie. I hear "don't worry about what people think because it doesn't matter."  That is absolutely untrue. Why wouldn’t it matter?! Why even be nice to people or do good things if it doesn't matter anyways? Exactly, people. It DOES matter. God's opinion of me matters, my loved ones' opinions matter, the strangers I meet opinion's matter, etc. Why does it matter? Because I know I am a good person and I want that to shine brightly so that other people can see it too and hope that it will brighten their lives. Our legacy on this Earth is all we have left after we pass on to Heaven. I would prefer that it's a positive legacy and not a negative one. I want people to come to my funeral one day (very long from now) and have happy, positive, fun memories to share.
So, people, please stop telling yourself that you don't care what people think of you. It's not true. Deep down inside we ALL care how we are viewed. You are depriving yourself of honesty if you tell yourself otherwise.
I remember a while back I heard somewhere (possibly Oprah?) that ‘All mankind wants is to be heard and to know that someone cares’. It's very true.


And to close this out, I will end with the words that the three closest people to me, at this point in my life, have used to describe me right now at age 27 (all three were honest as I asked them to be, so thanks to you guys!):   a very loving mother, a wonderful wife, theatrically dramatic (i.e. I become a ninja when I see a spider and could be recast as the leading role in the Arachnophobia movie; not meaning in a negative "likes drama and causes drama" way, says this person), Controlling, Passionate, Straight forward (honest; bluntly and brutally sometimes), Head strong, and  Creative.

I am happy with their descriptions and believe it proves I HAVE changed for the better. Those are much more positive than the descriptions I used to be given that were listed above. I'll take them in stride and continue to work on myself and all of my goals.