Finding your BFF

                                

Something I've noticed since becoming a SAHM is that it is impossible hard to find good-quality groups of friends to hang out with when you're not familiar with the area you live (after re-locating post high school & college) and you are mostly at home every single day. Yea sure, you can always seek out play-groups to attend to let your kiddos play with other kiddos their age, but I'm not talking about those kind of "friends". I'm talking about those true, life-long BFFs (aside from spouses). Those friends who don't always agree with you and who aren't afraid to be totally brutally honest; those friends who take their time to work through issues or disagreements; those friends who always have your back, no matter what; those friends who understand you; those friends who share some of your core values and morals; those friends who don't talk behind your back in a negative light; those friends who truly just enjoy your friendship and WANT to be a part of your life. Because that is what a true friend is.

I've also noticed how there are large groups of ladies whom look like a great group of friends, but on the inside there is much gossiping, back-stabbing, and dishonesty. That's not what I want at all. I'd love to have an honest group of ladies who are truly friends through thick and thin.

I've been very observant of this topic in my day-to-day life since I quit working in 2008 and decided I would be a SAHM. My husband (fiance` at the time) and I moved to a new town for his new job; one of which neither of us knew anybody, other than his new co-workers. I was 3 hours away from my home town and David was 45 minutes away from his. We were still close enough to his  home town that we were able to have his family there to lean on and hang out with; though at the time, things were a little rocky with his family due to poor communication (one of those hindsight is 20/20 things). We basically just hung out with each other and every once in a while we hung out with his old high school friends or college friends. As much as we enjoyed this, I still very much missed having a group of friends and/or lady BFF in my daily life. But with me not working, or even having a baby yet (planning a baby at the time, but not yet pregnant until October 2008), I wasn't sure how to go about meeting people. I originally thought that naturally we would befriend my husband's coworkers, as other places like his place of employment I had always assumed were very close-knit. But this proved to be a bad assumption. Their work schedules posed quite the problem with being able to hang out, along with some other reasons that aren't worth disclosing. It's hard to be a new person in a small town. People tend to already have their group of friends, or cliques if you want to call them that, and they're not typically open to outsiders. Lesson learned: don't go into a new small-town and expect to be welcomed with open arms.

Once we got pregnant, I joined a forum for pregnant women in hopes to socialize and maybe even make a friend, since this new town I lived in didn't seem to be working out socially. I kept my distance on this board for a while and watched as very-quickly cliques formed, and just like in high school, there was bullying and ganging up on people. And it seemed even easier to bully people because this wasn't a face-to-face thing here, it was online and all done through black and white text. People weren't afraid to say anything. But I found this all intriguing and kept on being an observer. I eventually joined in on discussions, as I did have many FTM questions to ask. To keep this multi-year story short, I will sum it up by saying that I eventually joined a group of "friends" whom I thought were trustworthy and we talked everyday online and eventually all met up in person. However, this all ended badly. I always had suspicions about back-stabbing, and I was right. All but one of those ladies were two-faced to each other and to me. I ended that quickly and moved forward. Lesson learned: online forum "friends" aren't going to be those life-long BFFs and typically not even going to be true friends; though I have kept in touch with some other ladies whom I met on that forum and they are always fun to chat with.

Once our son was born I felt desperate for a Mommy-friend to hang out with and to have play-dates with. I did have good friends who had babies, but they were all living across the U.S. I felt I needed someone local to hang out with. I was tired of my husband and I always hanging out with just each other and some of our family! So I put forth quite an effort to befriend a local person. This person had a child that was younger than my son, but still somewhat close in age. We tried being friends but it never worked out. I am an honest person; always have been, always will be, and this person just couldn't handle honesty; plus this person was just very different from me. This person would rather I lie to appease them and their ideas. I couldn't stand that kind of 'friendship' and I moved forward. Lesson learned: life-long friendships will never be made out of being desperate.

We eventually moved out of that small town and headed to a larger town. I still felt a desire to have a local BFF, but had learned that seeking one out is the wrong way to go about it. I figured I'll let the person find me! And I have found a good friend, however I'm learning that the being honest part is still a struggle. While I've always remained honest, people nowadays just don't know how to take that. I think they're used to this generation of "tell me what I want to hear" instead of "just tell me the truth". While it makes me sad, I have to keep in mind that it's just the way things are now. However, I am refusing to change myself for that. Honesty is key in life and I have always felt good that the day I face my judgement, I can look at God and be able to say that I've remained honest in my life. The one thing I have learned and adjusted accordingly is the TIMING of being honest. I didn't used to be that great at it, but I have improved. Always a work in progress, though!

Another thing I have found is that friendships are a LOT like finding a spouse. The first year (give or take a little) is like the "honeymoon" phase...all seems peachy keen and then eventually that part wears off and the real stuff comes out. You won't really see how that relationship is until that honeymoon phase is over. And after a year, the excitement and new-ness wears off. So, from this, I have concluded that you don't call someone your BFF until a year or so has passed. You need to go through some stuff together before you will know how things really are; things like disagreements (because a true friend won't always agree with you, and if they claim they do, then they aren't being honest....sorry, but you know it's true), things that require emotional support from one another, giving and taking advice, multiple vent sessions, etc....Just like a spouse/partner in life. Lesson learned in life: BFFs aren't going to appear, they take work, time, and commitment;  just like a marriage.


To sum this all up, I will say that I have my girl-friend BFF. Someone who has been through ALL of that^  with me, someone who agrees & disagrees with me, and who will agree to disagree on those things we don't see eye to eye on, someone who vents to me and whom I can vent to, someone who gives advice and hears advice, someone who has and always will be there for me; someone who truly enjoys our friendship. That person knows who they are, and though there is distance between us, I know that doesn't matter. I need to just be okay with this and not worry so much about having a local person to call a BFF. Maybe having a local BFF isn't necessary to live a full & happy life :-)

**Now don't get me wrong, I DO have some very good friends (and also those I consider "sisters"). People whom I keep in touch with and who are there for me. This isn't about friendships in general...this is about those BFF's...and namely, the desire to have a local one. 

Advice to be given to FTM's

I've been debating for the past month on posting a blog about the laughable moments First Time Mom's have. I've started it and restarted it. I've even had input from multiple 'seasoned moms' on the topic. I just can't seem to push the post button. The reason is because I know SO many FTM's right now and I don't want them to think I am singling them out or laughing AT them. However, I think there is some good advice to be given on the subject that may very well be helpful to them. I've also wished I could've had advice like this given to me back when I was a FTM.

Here is my top 10 very watered down and simple advice to those of you who are currently pregnant or are raising your first born:

1. As excited as you are about this first pregnancy, you can't expect EVERYONE you come into contact to be as excited as you and your partner/spouse. I'm sure they're HAPPY for you, but they may want to talk about something else other than your growing belly and the beautiful new life inside of you.

2. In relation to the above mentioned advice, I will add that all-things-baby gets old to those around you. Registries, baby names, nursery themes and decor, maternity clothes, doctor appointments, delivery choices etc. Sure, you and your partner/spouse are head-over-heels about this new chapter in your lives, but also try to discuss other topics and try to spend some time focusing on your marriage/relationship. Far too often relationships get forgotten as you focus on the new bundle of joy and all things related to that. It doesn't take 9 months to prepare a nursery and closet for the baby...so try to spend at least the first half of the pregnancy on making sure you have a solid foundation (relationship) so that when the baby arrives it doesn't crumble (trust me, the first few months as new parents can prove challenging in many ways).

3. Don't read so many baby books. They're unnecessary. Parenting comes naturally, I promise. And if you do get into a situation that you're not sure what to do, please ask a seasoned parent! Someone who isn't also a FTM with you, but rather someone who has either an older child or someone who has multiple children. I see a lot of FTMs ask fellow FTMs for advice, and it really gets them nowhere. The best advice will come from someone who has a young child or multiple young children (because it's still fresh in their memory) who has been through the issue you're facing.

4. Stop focusing SO MUCH on details that truly don't matter. Things like having everything ready for the nursery (unless you have a load of money, spending lots on a baby nursery is ridiculous as they'll outgrow the theme rather quickly as toddlers), purchasing every baby product out there (babies actually don't require much of anything...just a few necessities), making sure you have a well thought-out birth plan printed and handed out to every nurse and doctor involved (things very rarely go as planned anyways, trust me), or things like 'having all your ducks in a row' prior to the baby arriving. Something most FTM's don't realize is that the first 3 months of your new life with a baby is BORING. There really isn't much going on...the baby eats, sleeps, poops, and occasionally needs bathed (everyday bathing is entirely unnecessary as it dries the baby's skin out). You'll have much more time on your hands than you think. So if something doesn't get finished prior to the baby's arrival, I promise you'll be fine and have plenty of time afterwards. Don't stress about this so much!

5. Don't make up your mind about things prior to even experiencing them. Things like "my kid will never watch TV prior to age 2" or "oh I'll NEVER do _____" or "I'll never use formula for my baby". Just stop. It's ridiculous and will make you get eye rolls from those of us who have actually lived it. Plus, you can't predict the future and you'll have NO idea what your child will be like or the struggles you may face. Each human is unique and requires different forms of rearing. So deciding on a style of parenting before your child is even born is absurd. Instead, have a general idea for things you are OPEN to and things you are not so open to. Don't have any closed doors in your mind. And be open to the advice of those who have experienced child rearing.

6. Germs. As a former (well maybe not former exactly, but lessened) germaphobe, I can tell you that germs are a GOOD thing for kids. It doesn't mean throw them in with a bunch of sick kids (like those chicken pox lollipop parties from back in the day), but it doesn't mean you should keep them in the bubble of your home for forever. And stop washing the pacifier every time it touches something other than your child's mouth (within reason here folks, use common sense). There's no need to wash the baby toys every single day to rid your house of germs. Babies need to be exposed to germs to build their immune systems or else you'll have a very sick child once they finally go out into the world. Dirt is a good thing. Being around people is a good thing. I know doctors advise to keep your newborn home for a few weeks during sick season (like babies born in the winter), but as soon as the doctor gives you the go-ahead get OUT of the house!

7. Milestones. Every new parent pays very very very close attention to their baby's milestones. Every single one is huge to you; and rightfully so as you've grown this human and now get to witness miraculous parts of their growth. And you immediately want to tell the whole world because you think it matters to everyone. Truth is that it doesn't truly matter to anyone but you. Sure, share some big milestones because you're proud (I sure did), but keep in mind that the wording you choose to use in announcing it can be taken entirely the wrong way. It can be (and likely will be) taken as you saying your child is more intelligent or ahead than other kids. And even if they are ahead of the curve, how do you think it makes another parent feel when their child may be falling behind? Choose carefully how and what you share with the world in regards to this topic. There is nothing wrong with being proud, it's just all about how you go about it.

8. Judging other parents. We've ALL done this before. It's so cruel. Keep in mind that you have NO idea what that other parent has been through or what that child is like. Stop judging other parents and their decisions, and instead focus your energy on raising your own child.

9. Put your marriage FIRST. Your children should not come first; contrary to popular belief. Biblically speaking and morally speaking. Your kids are a priority, yes, but your marriage sets up their foundation and raising. Without your marriage/relationship your child would not even be here. So make sure to take the time out to keep your marriage/relationship strong! Your child's happiness depends upon yours and your spouse's happiness...regardless of what you want to believe. It took two people to create this child and it's going to take two to raise the child. Use teamwork :-)

10. Don't compare your child with another child. Just don't! It's silly. As stated above, each human is different and no two will be 100% alike. You'll save yourself a lot of headache and heartache if you just see each baby as an individual instead of making sure they're like another baby.